Backdated: Letter for Brayden

From pregnancy to giving birth, to his operation, I have been through a terrible bout of emotional roller coaster. I have been holding back on writing him this post just because when thoughts starts streaming in, I would lose control of my tears and I get really emotional.

During pregnancy, I had low placenta, my pregnancy was so uncomfortable compared to the first. Even though I do not have any morning sickness, it was not really a breeze. I hung on to it, as I believe a positive mindset is the only thing to tide me through the 40 weeks.

This started to feel different in my second trimester. I was having some cramps in my abdominals, and need some bed rest. I was also not accepted at my work place, we parted on cordial terms. Even so, I was filled with anger and hatred for that moment. Nevertheless, I bite my teeth, enjoyed the months where I got to stay at home and spend more time with Ethyl, and at the same time, manage household and waiting for Brayden’s arrival. Time passes really fast then.

The birth process was not as swift as everyone wished. At least I didn’t expect that I will ever feel as awful after the c-section as I had been there once and it was a breeze.

Our Brayden is so adorable. He is so cheerful and full of smiles. Ethyl loves him ever since he joins us. Everything seems to be blown over, all the unhappiness, all the pain from child birth etc. I thought it is a time I can enjoy myself as a mother of two; and having a set of beautiful children that are so close and dear to me.

Things were not as pretty as I thought. Brayden started coughing. Little passed to him, I don’t blame her. It was inevitable that the sister would want to kiss him and touch him. However, I got panicky when he coughed until he couldn’t catch his breath and his lips turned blue. Visits to the hospital and Peads were pretty frequent for us too. We will be so fearful that we neglected him, stood by his bedside and in case he coughed or choked, we’ll carry him up and start patting him. We tried all means to make him feel better.

Finally he grew well. He has a hearty appetite and usually down the breast milk fast and in higher quantity. I was blessed with a good supply this time around, and Ethyl got to get some share of the extras too!

Months passed by peacefully with him falling sick almost once every month. This is tiring for us too. As things got better, we thought alls over. Who knows he has a lump at the back of his head and it was infect badly and there were pus flowing out too! He lost his appetite, can’t sleep or drink as the lump was causing him great discomfort.

We brought him to KKH and were referred to a paediatric surgeon. He was not good. I made a swift decision to seek second opinion from another paediatric surgeon who is in private practice. He saw Brayden, and referred our case to another kind doctor, who is a paediatric neurosurgeon.

We were told to do a MRI to assess the extensiveness of the surgery required and how extensive was the growth. Another painful event for us both to go through. Seeing him fasting, being put under GA, the pain was beyond description as I see my little guy lie motionless in that huge machine.

Report was good, we thought the surgery could be delayed till after his first birthday.

As things got bad, we decided to admit him straight to the hospital and let him go for an operation to remove the unwanted tissues that create havoc in my son’s head. Those days were tough. I cried when whenever I looked at him, I heart my little boy so much and it really was heart wrenching to see him go through so many things ever since birth.

This is not the end. I thought things really get better after this operation unitl it was time to remove his stitches. I still get goose bumps at the thought of what had happened before my eyes. The first time I can feel millions of dagger stabbed in my heart.

heartache

The wound opened up once again when sutures were removed. Gosh! I saw the raw wound in front of my eyes and oh my! At that very moment, I still need to maintain my poise as little boy was in great pain and a panicky mommy will not help in the situation. I kept my cool, though my voce was shivering, I tried to calm my shrieking baby down, trying my very best to comfort him.

I was told he needs another day surgery to stitch up his exposed wound. Things were settled rather quickly with the help of my fellow colleagues who is in the day surgery centre at the group that I was working at. This happened really fast, they were really helpful. My (then) boss came to accompany me as Hubby was unable to be with me. She tried to keep me company by talking to me and diverting my attention. I really appreciate.

Soon, everything was over. And this time, it is really over! Brayden is brave and is still a cheerful boy. He is very accident prone as he tends to do things very fast. Very soon, the tears that I used to shed no longer comes back and all that I loved doing is to bask in the bliss of being a Mom of two. Brayden had an event first year, so do I.

Brayden, you are a brave boy! Sorry for the late letter…this is meant to be posted on your first birthday, but I never got to finish writing it as I am unable to continue when then images flashback.

May you be blessed with health, happiness and love!

Mommy